People are superficial – you need to feed their eyes first and allow them to label you according to their own perceived reality if you want to get through to them. … She has always been convinced that there is no such thing as personality. We do not have a personality, even less are we one. With each person we interact our personality changes. We are different people, all the time, depending on the day, time, weather, location and encounter. … One day we are this, the next day we are something else. Does it matter? The Ego is just a concept we hold on to because otherwise we would feel we are dissolving into a million particles and disappear into thin air. I am not. I do not exist. But we. We do. And we are many. We are whoever you are creating us to be. We are just a reflection of your ideas. And since we don’t want to confuse you even more in such restless times, we try to match our outer image with your expectation of us. With whatever you deem appropriate. With whatever you wish to see. With whatever makes you the least uncomfortable.

Source: Part III (chapter)


The Will Maker (Continued): Part III

The Will Maker (Continued):Part II

What had just happened there? Why had his fingers started to tremble? Were these his physical instincts suddenly starting to come back to life after all? Had his body suddenly decided to be perceptive of his mind’s signals? He did not like it. He took a moment to screen his whereabouts. Not that it mattered, but he found it hard to break with old habits. Dark back alley, overflowing containers, graffiti on the walls. Almost too stereotypical for his taste. He looked up at the night sky – it was dark, and if there hadn’t been the orange-red cloudy fog reflecting the city lights it would have been pitch black. Everything is black behind the light. He had to smirk about his simple, almost banal, logic: it would have been dark if there had not been light. He was glad he was regaining his confidence and could laugh about his own idiocy. …

Source: Part II (chapter)

Source: The Will Maker (story)

The Will Maker: Part I

He slowly stepped into the shower. The water changed from freezing cold to boiling hot back to freezing cold for the first few minutes. He endured. He had been oscillating between the extremes his entire life, so why try to avoid it in the shower? Why wait for the moderate middle? Moderation. Everything in moderation. Food, drink, sleep, fun, sex, work. Moderation is the key to happiness, isn’t it? Don’t get too excited, you might get disappointed; don’t get too sad, you might not be able to get out of it; don’t eat too much, you might feel sick after; don’t drink too much, you might make a fool of yourself; don’t spend too much money, it’s wasteful. You have to do it just right, moderately, have it under control. Fiery passion will burn you, warm affection will keep you comfortable. No, you have to do it just right. Remain calm, remain quiet, remain moderate. Don’t be too adamant, compromise. Don’t be too assertive, be considerate. Don’t be too ambitious, be motivated. Don’t be too excited, be enthusiastic. Just right. Just moderate. Be moderately moderate. Love thy neighbour. Honour thy father and mother. Do not steal. Do not envy. Do not sleep around. And most of all: do not fucking kill.

Source: Part I (entire chapter)

Continued: PLAY Part 14 – Rational Irrationality

“There is a difference between pleasure and the mere absence of pain. Take patients, for example, who are pumped with medications to keep the pain at bay. They are numb, unable to feel, unable to engage. They are empty. Now sometimes this might be the first and only option for people, especially if they have not found another way to overcome their pain, or grief, or sorrow or whatever you call it. But we have to realize that one cannot exist without the other. We have to be susceptible to both, we have to allow ourselves to be conquered by the two of them equally so that we can decide which side to take. Death will come to all of us early enough. As you said, we do not know what happens after. Maybe we continue on in eternal bliss. I for my part very much doubt that. The idea of life after death was invented to quiet people down, to take away the fear of the unknown. Or even to make people more compliant. Even the most educated people still cling to the ever so slight possibility that after death there might be something else, something more, something better coming. Functioning societies need this prospect of an afterlife. Just imagine everybody and full heartedly suddenly acknowledged that once they kick it there is nothing!  Who would still get up in the morning to go to work? Who would still want to contribute to society? Who would still do anything they do not actually want to do at the moment? Wouldn’t we all just go bonkers to literally have the time of our lives? We would have complete mayhem! Hence, I will not start an attempt to convince people of the black nothingness that is awaiting all of us. The same goes the other way around by the way. If people knew for sure there is heaven – whatever that may mean – waiting for them, we would have mass suicides. The human race would probably cease to exist within an hour. That is probably also why the church preaches that he who commits suicide will go straight to hell. They are too afraid of the consequences. And obviously they would lose a lot of their followers. They really are not consequent in what they preach, but that is a completely different discussion.  Let people believe whatever they want to believe. I am only trying to make you understand, my friend, that in the end we will find out anyway.”

Source: Part 14 – Rational Irrationality (chapter)

Source: Play (full story)

Continued – PLAY Part 13 Into The Abyss

“I told you, I am not playing your game anymore, Norton, so let me go now.”

“It is not my game, my dear friend. This is not anyone’s game. In fact, this is not a game at all. This is life, you need to accept that. And life has its own rules we all need to follow. You, I, my patients, everyone. We cannot run away from it! Sometimes it is painful, yes. But we can learn to turn this around.”

“Then why, dear Norton, do I get the impression you are immeasurably enjoying torturing me right now?”

“Enjoying torturing you? Oh dear Burke, why would I enjoy this? On the contrary, I find this circumstance highly unpleasant. There is no possible gain on my part if you choose to throw yourself out of this window. First of all: all the work we have done so far would have been in vain. Secondly: I would have to clean up the mess downstairs after your skull shattered on the concrete – not a pleasant thought at all if you ask me.”

Source: Part 13 – Into the Abyss (chapter)

Source: Play (story)

Continued: PLAY Part 1-12 – Abysmal Dismissal

“But tell me, Burke, will you just be walking around all day cutting your arms to ensure you are enduring a sort of pain that is manageable for you? To me that sounds unbearably dull. Excuse me for being so frank, dear Burke, but you clearly did not think this trough. And what exactly would you gain if you killed yourself now, my friend? A few minutes of pride? A few moments of invincibility? And that is only if you are lucky. Most people are haunted by regret the last moments before they kick it. And that would be a real bummer now, wouldn’t it?


Source: Part 12 – Abysmal Dismissal (Chapter)

Source: Play (full sory)

Continued: Play -Part 1-11 Taking Control

“This is not about revenge. This is about controlling the uncontrollable. Why should I wait for something to happen to me if I can be the one taking action? How can we take control if we always wait for things around us to shift? Yes, he who runs may fall. Yes, he who rushes might hit a wall from time to time. But at least we see the wall moving towards us, we are not being pushed against it unprepared with no time to raise our arms for protection. I for myself do not want to be the leaf drowning in the current. I much prefer to be the river tearing at the leafs, sometimes stepping over the banks.”

Source: Part 11 – Taking Control (Chapter)

Source: Play (Story)

Continued: Play – Part 1-9

“Tell me, Norton, how did it feel when the iron hit your face? Did it hurt?”

“I wouldn’t know, Burke. All I feel right now is a state of increasing relaxation. I find myself at the peak of a mountain unable to remember how I ever even got there, looking down and knowing that the descend will be peaceful and relaxing, and a well-deserved hot meal is waiting for me at the bottom. I feel anticipation, like a child packing his bags to go on a summer holiday.”

“Anticipation. Would it increase your anticipation if I hit you again?”

“The climax always remains the same, my friend, even if you have five women at the same time. It might prolong the process, but to the result it makes no difference.”

Source: Play (complete story)

Source: Part 9 – Soundless Profoundness (chapter)

“I argue that the past says less about a person than the future. The past is gone and over, it is out of our control. The future, on the other hand, can still be shaped. The past victimizes us, the future empowers us. People are such victims, it’s enraging. As a therapist I can confirm that someone’s future aspirations say more about his character than his past.  It has, in fact, always surprised me how everyone walks forwards while looking backwards.”

Source: Play (complete story)

Source: Part VIII – Hollow Shells (chapter)

Continued: Play – Part I-VIII (update)